As I sit at this table, surrounded by my loved; my family, I feel nothing but disturbance, I mean, how can so many people be talking to each other. It’s annoying me and my aroma. But, over the years, I have developed a solution to all this madness, so it’s been pretty effortless drowning all the sound out of my ears. I used to practise often with my sister’s disgraceful songs, all written by those boy bands with immensely curly hair, too much product for my liking; but, it was worth it. Drowning all these people out – well I doubt they’re actual people, it all seems like a darkened Matrix film and I am the chosen one, just waiting for Morpheus to call me at a random time in my 30’s, yet I’ve been hacking for about 20. But, Agent Smith gets to me first – just to read my motivational book shouldn’t take such effort.
September 30, 2014 at 9:59 pm
Moniem,
The embedded clauses work well to develop your character’s voice. I’m a little unsure as to which character you have chosen. Is it the brother?
Targets:
1) In the first paragraph, do you mean aura rather than aroma?
2) Revise apostrophe use – avoid using them for plurals.
3) how else might you label the ‘motivational book’ – how might you be more subtle?