Young Adult Novel Coursework (Edited)

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Why did I have to leave? Now I’m in the middle of this situation. Damn me. Damn Mother. Damn that god forsook trash and its’ can.

Luckily for us the Volkswagen Golf GTI was ditched a mile back, now we were driving a Ford Shelby GT500 for about 30 minutes. This car was much different than the Golf was. I opened the glove box and checked the map that had already been planted for us at the gas station, like everything else. The insides were mostly leather, only the headrest was different, plus the legroom was larger in this Ford than the other Golf. The dashboard lit up, there was a 7 gear box connected to a twin turbocharged engine, clearly this car had some money spent on it. It was someone’s dream car. Samuel was driving and I kept checking the rearview mirror every so often, all I could see was trees, sand, more sand, and, even more, sand. Eventually, I broke the silence, “ They’re not following us. I think.”

” What do you mean, you think?!? ” Samuel asked.

“I mean they were following us, but right now, they aren’t,” I explained.

And ?”

I sensed the frustration within his voice and replied with a straight answer, ” They are going to be trailing us soon,” I said.

Samuel was that type of person whom you would not want to see the other side of. He was clad in a dark, leather Hollister jacket. Underneath was a Ralph Lauren polo shirt, it had a diagonal 3-inch yellow stripe with red to it’s left and blue to it’s right and slightly dark blue Louis Vuitton jeans with his favourite pair of golden-ish Jordans. I, on the contrary, was not quite as branded as Samuel was. A dark blue hoodie, a Hollister short-sleeved shirt with dark blue jeans and a pair of Nike Air Forces, are what I was wearing. I glanced down at my watch, damn we don’t have a lot of time on our hands, I thought, it began to worry me.

“Samuel, how long until we get there? Because I’ve got a terrible feeling.” I asked.

“Seriously man, chill! Relax! And you should seriously reduce the number of films you watch,” Samuel was right. I actually do watch a lot of films, but to me, they do help.

“But anyway, we’ve got about 10 minutes left until we get there.”
The Cape York Peninsula was as deserted as the Internet had claimed it would be. As we pulled in, there was a building, its facade masked its true intention. The walls on the outside were a rough texture and a yellow color, the circular window aloft was the only entrance of light into the run down edifice. The large, oxidized metallic door in the middle. He popped open the trunk in search of his secret hiding place while I grasped the blueprint; it was very intricate, but we managed to comprehend it. Guardedly approaching the door, I checked my phone for a signal while Samuel had put on his glasses and pulled out what looked like a gun.

” Hey, what-the-hell…! Is that a -”

“Gun? Yeah,” Samuel finished, cracking a smile.

“Did you get it from him? You swore you would never go there again!” I pestered him.

” Yeah, and? So what?” he replied carelessly.

“JESUS CHRIST SAM! DON’T ACT SO THOUGHTLESS, DID YOU THINK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES?! CLEARLY ELECTROCONVULSIVE THERAPY DIDN’T WORK!” I roared.

“Okay. Sorry. Let’s go,” he said. The simplicity of the fact that Samuel was an ignoramus hadn’t affected me in such a manner, until now.

The door was easy to unlock, we ignored this fact. We decided to split up, Samuel took the right and I took the left. We didn’t know what to look for, however, it would be raw gut instinct that we’d know what it was when we found it. The aisle I entered  had a full of stuff ranging from metals to fabrics. The flashing lights above hung seven meters from the ceiling and I couldn’t really see it, but you could probably just make out what was there. There weren’t many lights in what look like a warehouse, so I pulled out my torch.

Beep

What was that? I contemplated whether to find out source of this . Another beep. I couldn’t perceive whether it was just my senses acting out or not. Samuel shouted for me; we both could hear it. I couldn’t pinpoint the location of the beep. It sounded as if it came from every direction, additionally what made it harder was the fact that they were sporadic; the intervals kept changing.

Beep

It was annoying. Every beep gave me a bit of a migraine. My intuition screamed something was wrong.

“Damn, holy crap,” I whispered to myself. I heard a clatter of noise coming from Samuel’s direction, then headed towards his direction. Crap, something was wrong. I exploded into a sprint and yet I remained in a statuesque stance; somehow my legs overpowered my mind.

“Samuel! Where are you?! Samuel?!?” I shouted as loud as I could, but the only thing I could hear was my echo. I unanticipatedly slowed down, I couldn’t feel anymore but I knew I was moving. My vision became blurry. I felt dizzy. My thoughts turned sporadic. I turned the corner where Samuel had been, I found him slumped against the shelves. Everything was getting worse; my sight, my movement, my senses.

I dropped to the ground. All I could see now was the dark.


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One response to “Young Adult Novel Coursework (Edited)”

  1. O Wild Avatar
    O Wild

    Hello Moniem!
    You use good variation in sentence structure throughout the piece and, especially at in the climax at the end, control the pace with a mixture of short, simple and complex sentences. However there are still some instances where I feel the sentence runs on for too long, such as the list of items of clothing which Samuel is wearing: do you feel that listing the items in this way contributes to the narrative?
    Similarly, in the sentence beginning “He popped open the trunk…” there is a high frequency of commas. Could you use any other forms of punctuation or structure this sentence in such a way that it is more digestible for the reader?
    I think the dialogue you have recently added is effective at creating depth in your narrator’s personality. However, I would consider what happens immediately after his outburst, as I don’t feel it is fully integrated into the narrative. Is it realistic that such an exclamation could be passed over so quickly by the other character? Also, think about how you might punctuate the sentence beginning “It was rare…” and how you could use the word ‘capricious’ in a more subtle way.
    I’m going into minute detail here; overall you should be very proud of this piece as it demonstrates some very sophisticated writing skills.
    Thanks,
    Miss Wild

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